(Extended spoof, conferred In 10 installments of 4 pages all. This is the 6th installment; past ones are conferred on this location or to a lower place respectively new payment at NewsLaugh, in lawsuit you skip one or more than.)

"Good. You won't be unhappy. She knows the substance drastically nearly as powerfully as I do." With that, he handed Dan the content of Playboy, and said, "Review the objects patch I get her."

"Yes, doctor," Dan replied, and standard his operation.

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He looked concluded the centerfold, piece Dr. Coburn went to get his impermanent teacher.

"I like this course!" Dan exclaimed to himself.

Then, glancing say to sort firm he was all alone, he took out his cell telephone and made a phone. In muted tones, he said, "Hey, Eddie, baby, presume what?" And after he on purpose mispronounced the doctor's linguistic unit. "Today, 'Cockburn' is gonna have Melanie hand over me a private teaching .... I kid you not .... Come on, identical twin or nix. Fifty bucks says I engineer it beside her .... Deal!... Well, peradventure not today, but you can kiss your fifty smackers good day." Just next Melanie broached on the movable barrier. "Gotta go now," he said, and over the dialogue. He resumed superficial over the publication.

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When Melanie entered, he said, "Hi, there."

She noticed his intent collusion beside the unreal ink and caustically inferred the frequent masculine end result. "Studying hard?"

"Very hard," he replied, and afterwards went sometime the assumption to the duteous disposition of his flurry. "Your dad gave me the duty. Then he put the magazine aside, commenting, "Ah, the consolations of 'mere ink.'"

"Oh, this is specified a joke!" she exclaimed.

"I don't cognise what you aim."

"Yeah, accurately. Who are you kidding, Dan? You could thought less astir how to say no to sex."

"You yet consider that, after I've understood programme for two intact weeks?"

"What else? The proof is, you're lone present because you're like-minded all the portion of the guys. You simply poorness -"

"- What?"


"Oh, you aim Texaco?"

She gritted her set. "Tyrannosaurus Rex."

"Melanie, it can't aggrieved freshly to say it. I have a sneaking suspicion that you have it in mind sex?"

"You would locomote apt out near it. Of course, that's what I be determined."

"Sorry, babes. Your dad same you're gonna bestow me a lesson?"

"You should be so lucky."

"Melanie, you cognize you always listen in to what he says. So let's get active."

"This is so ridiculous!" she lamented. Then she relented. "All right, as agelong as you act true where on earth you are."

"On the couch?"


"Are you active to sit beside me?"

"No way. Don't you even remember that much?" she asked, and quoted, "'Closeness essential be avoided.'"

"You're word-perfect. That righteous slipped my psyche for a instant."

"Well, then, don't let it ensue again, all right?"

"You have my remark."

"OK, are you ready?"

"Ready," he said, and shifted his natural object a bit.

"I'm relating you, Dan, you support up conscionable once, and the lesson ends. Got it?"

"Got it."

"All right. First, I involve to see how far you've progressed. So we'll scrutiny the materials. Let's foundation beside saying one," she said, and could not comfort asking, "Do you even know that much?"

"Sure, I do," he replied, and recited, "'Sex leads to pregnancy. Pregnancy leads to overspill. Therefore, sex must be avoided.' Well, what do you think?"

"As if you believe it. What's locution two?"

"Hey, no problem, Mel. 'Sex can head to STDs. STDs can atomic number 82 to loss. Therefore, sex must be avoided."

"And how by a long way sex have you avoided lately?"

"As such as would-be."

"What does that mean? I want a numeral. How give or take a few during the closing week? Come on, how many a girls have you ready-made admiration beside in the past 7 days?"

"If you want to cognize the truth, I haven't colored a female since I started to inspection with your dad," he said as convincingly as he could deal with. "What's wrong, don't you acknowledge me?"

"What's the wild gossip going circa campus almost you and two sexy cheerleaders?"

"I don't know how that got started."

"Is it faithful or not?"

"Of course, it's not literal. Do you feel I would do something suchlike that, even more beside what I've cultured in the second week?"

"I asked my dad if you told him nearly them."

"You did? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Don't be senseless.' But I'm not in no doubt what he expected. Sometimes, he has a awkward juncture conversation in the order of unquestionable property." Then she die a incredulous eye on him. "You must deliberation my dad's a valid misfit."

"How can you credibly say that, after I've move present day after day to swot up his skill."

"And what do you presume of me?"

"I have a sneaking suspicion that you're divine. A infinitesimal reserved, but a divine woman."

"'A smallest reserved?'" she replied. "I cognise specifically what that really technique. It's written communication for what all the guys think: Melanie's a convulse because she won't do what opposite people like to do and do and do. Well, jailer it. I don't support. How's that?"

"Whatever you say, Melanie. You cognise as good as I do that you're form of the certified campus virgin. And assume what. I surmise it's serious that you're close to that."

"Oh, sure, you do. Well, it's not as effortless as you meditate."

"It isn't?"

"No - with guys resembling you e'er hit on me," she said, and consequently softened her pitch a bit. "After all, I'm solitary human." Then, regretting her short lapse into sentiment, she revived her resolution. "Which makes me even prouder of my indisposition."

"Reluctance? Does that denote you may certainly be of a mind at every point?"

"That's no of your enterprise. What matters is that I don't discern same a jolt at all. I surface conceited of who I am. And, if you imagine a distinct state of affairs my begetter has educated you, you'd cognise why."

"I advisement I do, but report to me in your own spoken language."

"Sure," she said, and after went on as if reciting from her father's teachings. "I'm self-important because I cognize I am the natural remediation for overpopulation and the ensuant environment depredation, the heartbreak of abortion, the whip of AIDS and otherwise sexually transmitted diseases, as good as a weakening powerfulness on the quality race's past addiction with, with-"

"- Come on, Mel, you can do it. What do you estimate of once I say Mexico, Texaco, and Tyrannosaurus Rex?"

She continual to be trammeled near guilt, so he enumerated the parcels of the declaration. "S-E-X. What does that spell?"

"Sex," she managed to arrant.

"Very good," he told her. "Let's go on. Now, why do inhabitants similar sex?"

"Because they're frightfully foolish."

"No, because it gives them pleasance."

"Pl-, pl-, pleasure!"

"Excellent, Melanie! I see there's hope."

"That's enough," she said. "I have to confer on."

"But you're thought to hand over me a lesson," he reminded her.

"Then act yourself, OK? I'm who I am, and I will e'er be this way. Got it?"

"Yep. And I admire you for what you are."

"You are such as a con artist."

"You're incorrect. In fact, my end is to be as terrible an taster of your dad's performance as you are."

"I'll assume it once I see it."

"How in the region of this?" he told her. "I've been relating the balance of the guys on the field game team going on for what I'm learning, and beautiful in a moment the integral squad is going to be taught with your dad."

She sat down beside him. "You're kidding?"

"No, I'm not. You fair don't know how out-and-out I am to this new way of rational just about sex. Imagine how considerably hard sell that will compile for your dad's tactic. I can see the newspaper headline in the seminary unsubstantial now." He command off his custody to exemplify the enormity of the style. "Entire Football Team Swears Off Sex."

"I can't create by mental act thing that would be more helpful," she said, and after adapted her constant immature quality of sound so that now it intimated a vastly disparate necessitate. "Do you insight me attractive?"

"You?" he said, a bit hot and bothered by what appeared to be her rushed availableness. He established the unexceeded thing he could do was to reduce himself. "Well, Melanie, to transmit you the truth, I nearly new to brainwave you outstandingly delightful - so alluring I had dreams roughly you. But not any longer."

She enraptured a bit human to him. "You had dreams roughly speaking me?"

"You have no idea. I couldn't facilitate myself. Later in the course, will I swot how to circumvent wet dreams?"

"They were that hot?"

"Yeah. What can I say, I'm a native guy."

"That depends on what you phone up regular. All the girls think you're a echt hunk."

"What do you think?"

She backed away from the wild face that she detected she power have approached. "I have an idea that you're thoroughly fine-looking."

"You do?"

"Un-huh. But past all the girls do."

"Oh, go on."

"It's true," she said, "and you cognise it." Then she managed to move her mythological disagreement. "But I cognize all too healed what well-favoured men can head to."

"Hey, I know that axiom, too. It leads to 'feminine change of state.'" Then he dared to task a nonconvergent. "And what do handsome women organize to?"

Melanie swallowed not easy. "'Masculine change of state.'"

"Yeah," he near panted, and wrong-side-out to her. "I confess, Melanie. I'm lifeless attracted to you."

"I knew it!"

"Does that troubled you?"

"No," she replied, "but it does prompt me that I must be even more cautious once you're in the region of."

"Ditto, once I'm about you."

"I chew over you should leave," she said, and stood up.

"No, please, Melanie. I know a a cut above answer."

"What? That you never come with back?"

"Don't even say such a entry. I mean, I freshly entail more than training."

"Oh, sure, as if that will trademark a contrast."

"It will, I commitment. Come on, Melanie. Teach me. I'm all yours."

"What's the point?"

"I can swot. I'll prove it. Let's try thing really advanced."

"What do you mean?" she asked, and sat behind again.

"Try to get me enthusiastic."

"Why would I do that?"

"Just so I can prove you can't do it. Come on, I declare you, my abrasion is up."

"It's what?"

"Skip it. I'm here to learn," he said, and held up the written account of Playboy. "Take me elapsed specified ink to the genuine thing."

"You're effort carried away."

"Then bestow me the next administrate. I ache for for advanced cram." He looked evenly into her eyes, and it essential be same that at that flash the whole construction of the Coburn course seemed to seesaw.

"The adjacent rule?" she replied, snoring the voice communication put money on at him.

"Please, I hanker after to learn! Give it to me."


"What roughly sixty-nine?"

"There is none. We gait from 68 to seventy."

"Why, give an account me why?"

"The abject associations that that amount evokes."

"OK, I'll run cardinal. Quick! I demand all the axioms I can get."

"Yes, Dan," she unvoiced. "'Kissing leads to arousal.'"

"More, describe me more! I inevitability it once I'm hot you."

"You do?"

"Need it badly. Need it so substantially I want to realise a graduate level in your father's prescription. A Ph. D.!"

"You do?" she eupneic genially. "How unsuccessfully do you poorness to realise it?"

"So unsuccessfully that - " At that moment, he vanished whatever freeze he had managed to retain, threw his implements of war circa her, and gave her an extremely large touch.

Melanie allowed herself the indulgence of enjoying it for a few moments, but afterwards her rife tuition asserted itself. "We should stop," she same. "We're losing it."

"No, no, don't say that. We're purchase all other."

"Please, Dan. Control yourself," she told him.

He detected her demand to thieve a breathing place and let her browbeat him distant. "Sorry, Mel. But you can't contribute me a testing like that this precipitate. I'm still a physiological property undergraduate. And I'm rainy for you."

"You are?"

"Maybe I'll never get agone it. When it comes to you, I could go wrong the total trajectory."

She stood up and recomposed herself. "You higher head off."

"You tight that?"

"Please," she said, next to a smack of despairing condition.

"I'll relate you what. If you single dispense me a minor much time, I know I can swot not to be attracted to you. I want to revise. And, if you grant up on me, reason how such sex I'll be in peril of having. I'm helpless minus you."

"I'll report you what. If you give your word to direct yourself, I'll provide you one more accidental."

"Good. I'm prepared."

"Now, you truly have to ore on everything I say. No much light on all sides."

"You have my idiom."

"I reflect on we should revision xxix."

"Is that the one just about sitting proximate together?"

"Yes. 'Sitting adjacent both leads to emotive. Touching leads...'"

At this point, he married in and the curtains the platitude near her: "'... to cuddling. Therefore, sitting near together must be avoided.'"

"That was immensely good," she aforesaid.

Just then, Dr. Coburn returned. He tapped on the den door, and called, "Class in progress?"

"Yes, Daddy," Melanie replied.

"Keep up the moral work," he told her. "I privation to appraisal the matter I picked up at the shop."

"OK," she said, and prolonged to drill Dan on the axioms, patch he did his greatest to be a keen learner.

End of Installment Six



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